The girl at the bar

I met her tonight. I was sitting alone at my friends' future fiancé's previous place of work. It's a bar. It's in my hometown, not far from my parents house. I walked to the bar and assumed I would just be watching the Lakers game and waiting for my friend to come and pick me up.

About 10 minutes into the game, this girl asked me to come sit with her and she offered to buy me a drink. She was dressed really nice and her offer was friendly, and I was more than happy to go and sit with her. I sat with her in front of the bar and we started talking. It was the usual shit at first you know: hey how're you doing, what do you do, ect. My friend, jimmy, had just texted me. He said he was on the way to the place. Before long he joined the girl and I.

She is young. 2 years younger than me. She didn't hide her interest in me, which I immediately liked right away and I did my best to show her I was also interested. I can't stand it when any girl plays that 'hard to get' card. Bothers the hell out of me. It's a bunch of shit.

This girl seemed different from the wealthy suburban girls I've seen for much of my life. Although she was shy, she was forthcoming, which made her all the more cute.

I don't know if it's wrong, but I became more excited with her and more attracted and comfortable with her after I started drinking more. I ended up drinking 5 whiskey/cokes which was 4 more than I initially intended after sitting down next to her. She told me a great deal about her life, and so did I. I even told her a little bit about my family situation, which I partly blame the drinks for.

I haven't outright liked a girl in quite awhile, but I liked her. It's a great feeling. We texted after she left. She suggested I text her tomorrow and I am excited to. She suggested we go to a street that's full of college bars this weekend. I was happy to accept. Hopefully, jimmy can come with us.

Although all went well, I couldn't help recognizing this awful feeling that came to me briefly. It was after maybe the 3rd drink or so. I felt somehow like my father; I felt like I was somehow overpowering this girl with my drunkenness. I felt like I was taking advantage of her innocence, like I was controlling or manipulating her.

Is this a dream, do people think about things like me? Believe me, I am not an overpowering guy in any sense of that word- I care deeply for others and I would never intentionally wish harm on this girl. I am searching for human intimacy, and maybe it's this girl. However, now that I am alone at the end of this night, I feel like I am free again.

I can't help but see something, something scary. I love my isolation. It is the base for my creative, wandering mind. Can someone else be a part of it? We'll see. I love people.

Late night thoughts on a futon

Been awhile. A lot has happened in the last three weeks or so. To sort of sum it all up, I'm back in the city that I started. Literally, the city I started. I was born in this fucking city and I've been here my entire life except for the four years that I spent away for schooling. This city is repulsive to me. Most everyone is the same here. 

You know what to expect to see and hear when you go out in public. A 'happy' young resident of this city would probably ascribe these three characteristics to it: there's a great night life if you know where to go, lots of success driven people working upstanding corporate jobs, and a fabulous police force that keeps the area safe. Fuck all that.

The city I live in is this materialistic, utilitarian, clean area with a bunch of brainwashed assholes in it. Even the Starbucks here bother me more than the other ones off the interstate from my travels. There was always the chance of meeting someone interesting there.

Ok, so the night life- I think just the phrase "night life" might be enough to sway enough people that it's shit, and a miserable way to spend a Friday night. I mean if you are into listening to shitty radio music, drinking highly overpriced whiskey cokes, and having to talk loudly over the music, then hell, you'll probably have a great time. Maybe if you're lucky, you'll be able to get into a riveting conversation with some douche who is anxiously awaiting taking over his dad's management consulting company, which he'll show you is conveniently located a finger-point away. He'll probably talk your head off about it. There's this unspoken way to be/act/present yourself/talk in this city and it makes me sick to my stomach. Sometimes when I've gone out, I find myself talking to a person like the one I just described. I can recall just bullshitting everything I said to the guy. I could tell he wasn't listening anyway so I just decided fuck it. 

I've been back in this city now for 2 weeks and have already had 3 encounters with cops. My city pours a shitton of money into its police force for seemingly nothing but for fancier SUV vehicles, uniforms, and better traffic control for church traffic on Sundays. The crime rate is so low here that the cops just troll the streets looking for people to write a ticket for a headlight out or for making a wide right turn. 

Wow, I am really bitching a lot right now. Sorry about that? Maybe I'm a bit jaded towards this city because of the miserable time I've spent here. I'm really frustrated and am feeling very lonely to be back. Oh, and did I mention that I don't have a job yet. Well, I don't have a job yet.

On a positive note, I'm slowly writing and editing a short fiction story that I hope I can get to turn out the way I want it to. I've never had education that focused on writing, but I have always liked to write. However, I'm not a very consistent writer (as you can maybe tell :P). Who knows, maybe I can get a stable job/living situation sooner rather than later so that I can pursue my writing more.