I have no legs (2/?)

It's whatever. Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of physical advancements improving everyday life. I like my wheelchair, like the elevation controls on my hospital bed, and my fucking toothbrush. That stuff doesn't bother me.

What bothers me is my longing for a good friend. You would think someone in my situation is given plenty of attention and can participate in plenty of games with a lot of people. You would be right to think that. Most of that stuff is complete shit though. I hate being just given attention, the more I am, the more fake it appears to me and it's depressing. Part of me is angry at the world, not because I have no legs and am physically different than others, but because my disability seems to bring out the bullshit in people. My ability to meet a good friend has got nothing to do with my legs, but to so many people, it seems to have everything to do with it.

You may wonder why it is that a 19 year old lives in a hospital. I am living in a hospital by choice now. After teenage rehabilitation, you can of course go find living for yourself. I don't want to go back to my parents house. I've spent plenty of time there troubling them.

I have more opportunities to meet people inside and outside the hospital by living there. I am active in this hospital program with other physically handicapped people where we all go to rec centers, arcades, and other common places like that.

Here's what I wish wouldn't happen. I wish the hospital staff wouldn't structure the environment so much when we go out. There are a lot of girls and guys that volunteer with my hospital so that they can get the hours they need for whatever organization they are apart of. These people, often about my age, staff the events. I really wish most of them would fuck off. Although they mean well, as I've come to try and convince myself to believe, they are inadvertently preventing me from getting to interact with the public in a normal way, which pisses me off. If you were at the place I was at in public, I'm sure you would realize the handicapped people are in a controlled environment. Fuck that so much. Also, I am certain that these volunteers would act differently in public if they weren't with handicapped people. That thought irritates me. The volunteers are usually different each time though, so I try and have hope that I'll meet one that just talks to me instead of doing pretty much nothing for a whole afternoon.

I would prefer it more if I was just dropped off somewhere in public for a few hours rather than being in a controlled public environment. I swear I would embrace the experience more if something bad happened to me. Like if I was taken advantage of somehow by people or made fun of for having no legs. I'd inwardly smile if I saw a group of young people pointing at me or concealing laughter about my physical handicap. "Look at you hotshot, way to put me down for nothing. Your environment has really fucked you up good hasn't it?". If only those fuckers could know that I wouldn't trade places with them for the world. Despite the bullshit from these people, it'd make for a more enjoyable experience for me than to be met with fake conversation in public. But in the heads of my volunteers and Barbara, the hospital event coordinator, being made fun of would be the absolute worst thing that could happen for a handicapped person.

I need the attention, damnit, but not in the way the staff thinks. That's what pisses me off. Whenever I go around the rec center in my wheel chair, I try and meet people. I'm not the best conversationalist and wish I was more quick with my words, but I know how I am. I'm a real person and present myself as such.

That's what separates me from so many people. I don't want to say I'm above them, but to me, I am. I don't know how I can think otherwise. People are just so full of shit. A big part of maturity is being content with yourself and your abilities, and to me, a friendship starts with possessing the ability to recognize a person's difference, but not changing anything about yourself when you meet them. My lack of legs have pretty much nothing to do with it.