Do so

"Don't worry about the things you can't control. We can leave tomorrow. You understand don't you?" She told me, full of confidence.

"I don't feel okay about this," I said back. "You know we're leaving here eventually. We both don't like it here, but lets not just get up and go. We need to think this through."

"What if I said I didn't care if you kept drinking? You know I don't care about that. You would drink anyway, wouldn't you? If that makes you love me then that's fine. I've always loved you. Don't you fucking get that? I want you with me. If we leave it's not going to be me, it's going to be us."

"Just listen to yourself. You know I love you. What would you have me do? I'm finally away from my parents and I have my own place. I love that you are staying with me and I wouldn't have it any other way. We can't leave all of the sudden. Where are we gonna go? It would be different if we knew people in Seattle, but we don't. What will your parents and sister think if we just left?"

"Yours wouldn't give a fuck if you left would they!" She enjoyed saying that. "We aren't best here, you and me. There's more to life than the people we see here everyday. You belong with me and we belong somewhere else."

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In the end it didn't matter. She was right. She was right all the fucking time goddamnit. Maybe I let her be right. Fuck it, what's the difference? The real truth is that I would have drank myself to dysfunction had it not been for her, but that isn't what she thought of my drinking. A long story shortened is that she saved me. She didn't realize that my drinking was a supplement to my wellness, not a crutch for me to love her. I loved her and still do.

And you know what happened? We fucking went, that's what fucking happened! No plans, no nothing. Just a little bit of money and a lot of wishful thinking. We had each other and that was enough, right? Wrong. Not enough. Why couldn't it be enough!

She said one thing in our biggest fight that stuck with me more than anything else. "You were always looking for some kind of meaning when there was none. It irritated me. You made me feel like I wasn't enough."

Let me tell you, out of everything I heard from that dirty fucking mouth of hers I hated that bit most of all. I've always felt a little paranoid. She was the answer though. This was the problem though. Just her being there was the answer. She said a lot of this and a lot of that, but in the end that wasn't what separated us.

What separated us were her reactions to my behavior. She believed I wanted to just get fucked up and write all the time and not spend any time with her, which was a bunch of bullshit. Like she said, she didn't care if I drank. She thought I was making up for something by drinking though, which isn't true. Well maybe it is, but my drinking never had anything to do with my love for her. The truth is, I made time to spend away from writing and whatever else to be with her. She knew that too.

I drank and still do drink. I like to drink and write. Fuck me, right? I made sacrifices for her and stuck to them. It was never enough though, and I guess she figured she would justify my behavior with her actions. She said that my desire to be alone made her love Darren. Fucking bullshit. It's always gotta be someone you know too, doesn't it? Your girl never gets with some random guy. Or maybe they do, what the fuck do I know.

I found an apartment near Capitol Hill, Seattle. The place was cheap and there was a bar within walking distance that we started to go to. We met this Darren fucker at the first bar we went to. It was pretty nondescript. He was a local Seattle guy. I liked him at first. What the fuck was I thinking. He had his lip pierced and had his hair pulled back. Fucking whatever. Who knows what that cocksucker told Katy so he could get in her pants. He knew we were together when we first met. He promised to show us around town.

And yeah, you know, he did all that. Some girl all blacked up and dressed in rags was with him. Real fucking trendy. It was a double date according to Darren. We went to this and that coffee shop and various thrift stores. Katy would later say she loved "the atmosphere.. the way things are here.. the beauty is all around us.." Whatever.

When we were in Seattle and went out, I used to wish that some people in public would yell at Katy. I then imagined myself telling her that they were wrong about whatever it was and then she'd be closer to me. Sometimes when I was with her, I used to get the idea that there were two sides. I was always on hers, mind you, but there was always another side trying to bring her down. To this day, I still believe that part of her liked getting yelled at, I swear. She fell in with that fucker Darren's posse of local people and I have no idea what she's doing now. She doesn't talk to me. It was always up to her though, so now maybe she's living for her. But again, what the fuck do I know.

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If you must know, I'm doing alright for myself now. I occasionally struggle with the ending to my writings and I sometimes find myself stylizing things too much, but hey, I'm getting better. Without the style, I'd have nothing.

I live alone, have my own place, and am back where I started. I'm able to sleep with the cute young girl on the occasional lucky night. It works for me and for her. I keep myself with good company and I try not to isolate myself or drink too much, though I firmly believe both are essential to my writing and happiness. I miss Katy. If things were alright with her, it'd be so great for me to hear that from her. That would never happen though. If I heard from her, I have full confidence that it would be negative.

Oh the good times though. As down as you may be, you have to have had some. The good with Katy is what I remember. Her words of encouragement were always something I relished hearing. The good always overshadowed the bad. She was great. The sex was great. She would read something of mine and love it. I loved her so much. I believe that if you love and remember the good from someone, you will always love them.

If you think you have true love and are sharing that with someone, do so. Do so until you can't anymore, then come see me. I'll be around.