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“I want to live in a world free from fleeting happiness,” Caleb said. “I’m so scared. The bullshit that is me is impossible to dismiss from my mind. I can’t help but think about how fucked up I am. Don’t you find it hard to feel good about life when you know that you are doomed?”

“Come on.” Damien said with disgust. “You do good deeds for others. You donate to the less fortunate. People respect you. You are the most honest person I know. Don’t you see the worth in these things? Think of all the drug dealers, pimps, and murderers out there. You are separate from them.”

“Yes, but, am I really doing the less fortunate any genuine good? Maybe I’m just enabling them. I have thought about the drug dealers, pimps, and murderers.” Caleb said to Damien, clearly troubled. “So, what of them? Who is to say that my life is any more upstanding than theirs? And who cares if I have what they don’t.. Perhaps the opposite is just as true.

“You’ll feel bad one day, Caleb, and you won’t have anyone to blame but yourself!”

“I feel bad already, but listen. Imagine this. A world where nothing matters. A world where there are no real rules and that’s because no objective rules or truths can be reached. In this world, the realization of this fact is the most holy thing that man can achieve. A person doesn’t reach everlasting happiness, Nirvana, Buddhahood, because they can’t. That’s the most unfortunate thing about man if you ask me, everyone is looking, but never finding. Every human is far too morally fallible to achieve some fictitious desirable state of mind.”

“You think too much, Caleb. You are a good man, do not forget this. You’re envisioning a fantasy world. A world without any peace of mind.”

“I do think a lot, you’re right. I have struggles that I will never overcome and how am I supposed to cope with the fact that I never will? I want to know how I can get to the world that I just described.”

“You need to think about other things. You have some soul searching to do, my friend,” Damien finally said as he got up from his chair and walked out the room away from Caleb.

Caleb wished his friend wouldn’t leave. He remained seated, unhappy. He sighed and 

leaned back in his chair.

_________________

Such a world exists, you fool, but you do have to get there. No, it’s not on Mars or some distant planet. It’s death.

That’s right, Caleb. You have to get to the one place which you cannot stop thinking about. Death. There is world like the one you just described. Crazy thought? No. Despite what you might think, your actions on Earth do determine your eligibility to join the world.

But who am I to tell you this you may ask? Don’t think about it. It doesn’t matter. Keep thinking about how messed up your moral senses are. You’re right about that and that is what might save you. Don’t entertain the thoughts of this other man. This other man believes you are a “good man”, and according to societal standards that were cleverly invented around you, you are that. However, to your great fortune, you are dissatisfied with this and that is good.

Here is what you are to do. Go and commit sin and live off every impulse in your mind. The only sensible life to live is one without a single rule. And why is this? Because, like you said, every man is morally fallible. He cannot and will not ever be morally infallible. You are on the right track, Caleb. There is no savior in this world of yours. There is no quest, no enlightenment. You are the instrument that your mind needs only to play with.

This is not difficult, Caleb, you just need to go and live it. Adopt “madness”. Release yourself from the cruel restrictions that your world has placed upon you. Every repressive thought you have had about yourself and your surroundings is not your fault, you poor soul. You will find a different sort of happiness in my world.

You could start with murdering her. Her pretty, ignorant self must go. If you look deep inside yourself you know you believe it’s true. You know those dreams you have had about fucking her and then strangling her to death? You need only to act. You need to simply admit to yourself that you believe in the satisfaction you would receive from it. You are willed to do it, Caleb. Your demons are the door for you and the honesty about yourself is the key. Do not forget this. Now get up and go.